Bedbugs... Don't let them bite YOU!

"Night Night - Sleep Tight
Don't Let the Bedbugs Bite!!"

First off, if I'm not mistaken, let means allow. And I don't think I would ever allow a bug -- bed or otherwise -- to bite me assuming I had a choice. Secondly, how in the hell do you expect me to sleep tight when you've just alerted me to the fact that I have bugs in my bed?

As a kid I remember hearing this sleepytime rhyme and thinking, how cute. Friendly little bedbugs that slept alongside me through the night. All I needed to do was make sure I didn't "let" them bite me. Easy enough. I assumed these bedbugs were rational. I could probably level with them. I'd let them sleep in my bed as long as they didn't bite me. Deal?

It wasn't until I was older I learned the harsh truth. Bedbugs were not rational, nor would they sleep alongside me. I'd sleep. They'd latched onto my skin and feed on my blood. Bedbugs were not my friends. Mind you, I've never been exposed to them, at least not that I'm aware of... There was that period when I studied abroad in London and lived in a dorm with very questionable sleeping accommodations, but even then I don't think there were bedbugs.

Back to the rhyme. Tiny blood thirsty bugs in my bed and I'm supposed to not let them bite me. I couldn't step outside of my apartment this summer without being attacked by North Carolina mosquitoes, and this was while I was awake. Asleep, I stand no chance. I don't really do much when I'm sleeping except for snore and occasionally sleep talk. Could I annoy them with my snoring? Trick them into thinking I was awake with my nonsensical babblings?

What could one do to keep from being bitten by bedbugs? I did some research and here's what I found:

Apparently bedbugs don't like light. So if you have a light source quickly accessible from your bed, turn it on at about an hour before dawn. This is usually the time when bedbugs are most active. When you do this, they will scatter. Oh and this can't be any old light source, say a lamp, normally accessible from a bed. No no my friend, you'll need a flashlight or a torch. So, dust off your old torch -- should be in storage next to your pitchfork -- and get ready to catch some bedbugs! As they scatter grab a dust pan and brush (also kept next to the bed), and sweep the bugs into the pan, THEN immediately sweep them into a cup or mug full of water (also kept next to your bed?) where the bugs will drown quickly. Dispose of the water down the sink or toilet. Disinfect the mattress, skirting boards and so on regularly.

OR

If you live in the 21st century, DDT will also do the trick. I tried to think of a way to update the rhyme given this new information:

"Night Night - Sleep Tight
Find Your Torch Light
Don't Let the Bedbugs Bite!!"

But I'm not quite sure how I feel about small children armed with torches... Its just that I couldn't think of anything that rhymed with Dichloro-Diphenyl-Trichloroethane.